123 Thanks
In the quiet dark Pumphouse, Heart was also discovering a change of perspective as Heart overheard the conversation between The Little Red Haired Girl and Body.
Are they stars of bright holes in the dark sky? Interesting, What did Heart need to see differently? Why did Heart still care about Noswad? What could Heart possibly discover by ruminating on the past? Why he left her didn’t seem to matter anymore did it?
Heart dug deep, and it cried. It cried about what could have been had he equally reciprocated the feelings, the good intentions and faith in the wholeness of their relationship. Had he trusted and listened to his own heart and intuition instead of other peoples views it may have succeeded. Heart felt, no Heart knew someone else had caused him to doubt himself. Maybe an ex lover he went back to, or a new lover he thought would be better, it didn’t matter anymore. The truth was, he left and he left without giving Heart a reason, without being honest as to why, he left without closure.
He had done it before, but this time and on the strength of asking Body to be his wife, Heart had trusted him again. The disappointment had been too much to bear and sent Heart into deep burial and loss. Whether Heart agreed with Brains cynical thoughts about it being deliberate and an intentional conspiracy with others, again it did not matter. Heart had its own analysis to make and a decision to make moving forward. Heart still cared, Heart still loved him, but there could be no re-emergence of him into Body’s life unless he healed himself and approached her again with a proven change in behaviour towards them. Heart would love him from a distance to protect itself, and although there had been some contact from him since his departure via the occasional email they had not shown any change in his behaviour. They had not shown any acknowledgement, apology, or even reference to his actions. They had not displayed any empathy for the damage done to her life or the emotional mess he had left her in (as far as the written word could be expressed in an email). Instead the written words had displayed blame onto her solely, anger and resentment and no accountability for his part in the demise.
Heart was well versed in the pattern and seen all the words before, and Heart knew it was not blameless, that it takes two to acknowledge the problems within the relationship, but there was never any proper communication of the issues and how could there be? If the issues are not even acknowledged from the get go, and the words were so angry, no open communication could be facilitated.
Why was he so angry most of the time? About silly stuff too? That should have been overcome so easily? This is what led Brain to think it was deliberate. This is what led Brain to think he used them as a reason to escalate the argument and to give an excuse for him to leave.
They, the arguments, were so insignificant but blown out of all proportion to eventually include such hatred of her character and her Heart, it took Body’s breath away and left Brain utterly confused and lost. The argument he would make mushroom to include other peoples opinion of her, from her own past relationships to current friends, as reported by Noswad and his apparent disloyal conversations he had had about her and completely oblivious he was showing a side to him Heart did not like at all.
They were blown out of all proportion so much, that Spirit had to fight back with defence of Body and her actions and once that happened, there was no rescuing Heart, and Soul was displaced and ready to quit the path.
Heart had to find a way to heal all this pain and freely admitted her part in their demise. 28 years of an intermittent relationship Heart admitted she could have approached things differently. She should have been less concerned about his feelings, it may have felt suffocating for him. Heart admitted it over gave and perhaps the gifts were difficult for him to accept.
Heart admitted she loved hard and expected it’s equal return and perhaps it was too much of a standard for him to achieve. Heart admitted she expected a monogamous relationship with being faithful and true to one partner in life, being of paramount importance. Perhaps this is too big an ask, perhaps he felt incapable of achieving this and wanted to be free to discover others.
Heart admitted maybe that this love it held gave too much pressure to another to give back? Then what did marriage mean to Noswad? Heart had felt it knew the man, Heart had laid it on the table what she expected and thought he had wanted the same. Leastways that what he had vocalised, it had all been discussed. Long term plans about money, wills and investments, care for Hearts daughter and Noswads brother. Why would Heart expect it to be any different? The discussion inferred long term care for each other and the people they both cared about in the future.
It broke Heart over and over again. How had Heart got it so wrong? In this dark Pumphouse of self reflection it was time to heal. Time to think differently.
Heart knew since Noswads departure Body had felt under spiritual attack. Why Body had not known and Brain had no knowledge or experience of. Heart also knew it had experienced good messages and Body had felt them with chills and tears of joy, and as Spirit had felt the light emanating into the surrounding space they all felt thankful. Thankful that she was still alive, still fighting and still with strength to live through the Heartache.
They meditated and asked questions into the ethers, into the universe, as Soul asked questions through prayer. They were thankful that there was a roof above their head, thankful for the food that had been on their table and the woodland walks they had been on. Thankful that some progress at the house had been made. Thankful of the small successes like actually getting out of bed and Body numbly putting one foot in front of the other. Body was dressed, functioning and even though only ticked off two jobs on her list they were done. They had been achieved.
It occurred to Heart that she had a lot to be thankful for and that these precious moments of feeling joyful and ‘at one with the world’ had not only been felt through Body, Brain, Spirit and Soul, Heart was catching up with them too. They had only began since Noswads departure, along with the bad spiritual attacks and feelings, and therefore Heart felt Noswad had been the catalyst somehow. So much heartbreak and shock had created an opening into a new world Heart had never known, Body was new to experiencing, Brain was completely nonplussed by, Spirit struggling to find the newfound light and shut out the dark, and Soul questioning a new journey. She should be thankful to Noswad having been in her life, it was and had transformed her in some way. From out of all this darkness something good was happening,
All Heart had to do was protect herself, have the courage to believe in herself on any new venture and be thankful. Thankful and grateful for all she had within her life. The people that came and went, the nature and the world around her, the signs and messages of good from the universe and thankful of having had love in her life whatever the outcome.
Thankful for communication from her higher self, the universe, from God? Whichever it was didn’t matter, Heart was just thankful.
“Love and forgive” said Big voice, “Thank them.”
© 2025 Jennifer Harris. Free And Alive 555
