15 Poker Face
“When is Noswad coming back?” the Little Red Haired Girl muttered in her sleep “he will get us out, he’s my friend.”
It didn’t need an answer, she was fast asleep. My adult self gently kissed her forehead and thought about the last time I had been kissed with such tenderness.
Noswad was leaving, and although we had talked into the early hours of the morning, we could not cure the differences between us. He had asked me to wait for him after 28 years of on and off time together. He was walking away again and self sabotaging us, by not being emotionally available, by not being willing to fight for us, telling me it was all my fault, my flaws, my fears and insecurities.
“Why would I wait for you after all these years of waiting, our time is now we agreed, we made all these plans and we know that this was the last chance, so tell me, why would I wait? Whats the plan? Whats the problem?” she had asked.
He didn’t have an answer, at least not one he would give to me, the person he was supposed to be in love with.
Rivers of tears streamed down my face and as we embraced, he had wiped the tears away, and kissed her eyes. So tenderly.
Tears streamed down her face now, in this dark pumphouse as she remembered it, and although they had spent that night together, it was not the same. Her heart was irretrievably broken, and when morning came, she knew she would have to say goodbye.
Morning did come, as it always does and is often taken for granted. Noswad had dressed and was drinking coffee, deep in thought. He was in a very bad mood, even though he denied it, and snapped at everything she said however small or innocuous it was. He was getting ready to leave. She had seen it a thousand times before. The energy and emotional withdrawal, isolated in his own thoughts and plans. A whole island. She had seen it many times and knew he was leaving before he did. She couldn’t remember exactly how he phrased it, but it was something to do with ‘our’ agreement for me to wait for him.
“No, I won’t wait for you any longer, my decision was made last night as I told you” her voice had not sounded like her own. “you have given me no valid reason to, so I cannot give you anymore time. You just keep leaving me, you keep letting me down and I will not put up with it anymore.”
His reaction had surprised her. He was angry! Like a petulant child, not upset, not concerned just angry. He quickly picked up his stuff and got in the car to leave. Poker faced.
She knocked on the car window “don’t leave like this. Can we at least part as friends and please say goodbye?”
He had got back out of the car. His face tempered as if some pesky fly was annoying him. We embraced but nothing was felt. He was now a stranger to me. He was doing his job is what it felt like. Without another word, he was gone. The car leaving dust around her as she watched him dissapear down the track.
There was a weight and pain in her chest as her heart, sharp, shiny and black as coal, turned over. Yes, it still hurt, and her heart knew so she begged it to stay still, to go back to the seam and stay buried, stay quiet. It obeyed, and she wiped her tears away herself this time as she had been doing since his departure. How long ago, she had no idea.
“When is this ever going to stop hurting?” she called into this dark, round space, and the echo mocked her as it jovially bounced around.
Brain was asleep and didn’t answer.
Heart was being obedient.
Nana answered “When you face it, accept it, realise your part in it, and move on. Love yourself first little one, love yourself first.”
© 2024 Jennifer Harris. Free And Alive 555
