10 Hide and Seek
Brain was remembering past days, before they got stuck in this pumphouse prison. Trying to make sense of all that had happened in the recent past. The builders, the house renovation, the problems and the overwhelming frustration.
” You’re not being fair” the Little Red Haired Girl whined. “I feel invisible, why do you always play Hide and Seek without the ‘seek’ bit?”
“Its just not fair.” She stamped her foot.
I ignored her, the inner child, she’s always been with me no matter where I go, how old I become and she’s very annoying.
‘Ignore her’ my brain thought ‘and get on with your own work, the job in hand. Work the frustration off and you will feel better, and anyway there are things to do if you want to achieve your goal. You chose to renovate this house, in this country where you can’t even speak the language, so get on with it stupid.’
She started to feel anxious and yet there was nothing she could get on with. There were too many builders in the way prohibiting what she needed to do. It just wasn’t the right time or the right order of work. There were always bigger problems behind the little ones she wanted to address. The builders were not listening to her even with a translator present or the aid of google translate on her phone, they just were not paying her any attention try as she might.
Maybe its because she is a woman (if you know about this you know}, maybe be its because they genuinely don’t understand (although she doubted this as ‘up’ was ‘up’ and ‘down’ was ‘down’ in any language with mime, or hand gestures), maybe its because they can’t read (she shouldn’t assume in this country necessarily that they could) but surely not! Maybe its because she wasn’t making sense, she had got it wrong, she got the measurements wrong, she wasn’t knowledgeable enough, she wasn’t polite or likable enough. And the self doubt went on and on through her brain.
In these times of anxiety and panic, she tried to remove herself from the situation to prevent her frustration becoming into full blown temper, and so she took herself off site and went for a drive in the car.
She pulled up into a woodland track, opened all the windows as her brain and her lungs worked together. Just breathe, count and breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth. Her therapist had suggested this before and it did offer some immediate relief. As for her brains dialogue….well that needed some work. ” I am not stupid” she said out loud to the trees and yes, it would take time to change the way her brain ‘talked to her.’
In her haste to remove herself from the site, she realized that where she had parked up was not far from the cafe where Noswad and her had stopped many a time. She remembered and relived conversations.
Her heart said nothing. It screwed itself up in a ball inside her chest and she felt sure it was as black as coal. She could hear it beating faster as it was so constricted. He had left her again as she knew he would, Brain had told her so, but her heart had not listened and was overjoyed at his vows and promises, plans and kisses.
“Oh for goodness sake” Brain said as the tears began to run down her cheeks “don’t start again. You knew, I told you so based on past episodes and experience with Noswad.”
She got out of the car and went for a walk amongst the trees that sounded just like a distant sea as they rustled in the wind.
“My ears are wet, why are my ears wet?” the child, the Little Red Haired Girl complained.
She was right, the wind had blown the tears horizontally and they now rested in her ears. It didn’t matter.
As she walked, her breathing improved because Brain knew there was nothing else she could be doing.
It was a beautiful day albeit windy, and the wood was dappled with a disco ball of chaotic sunlight. How lovely it was and she was grateful for seeing the beauty of this place. There were some tiny blue flowers she recognised but the name of them she couldn’t recollect.
Nana’s voice came to her “Gentian” she said, and I smiled as I remembered her. The smile felt like a stranger to my face.
“When was the last time you smiled?’ Brain asked.
“Oh” Nana added “and tell that brain of yours it would be better to shorten it.”
“Shorten what?”
“Shorten the ‘to do’ list then you will achieve more.”
Gently she added “Tomorrow is another day. It will be better tomorrow.”
© Jennifer Harris 2024
