19 Hindsight
In the midst of the darkest despair there is always a chink of light if your eyes are open and receptive enough to see it. It may be a tiny reflection on a raindrop within the tall grass or a tiny patch of sun on the carpet that the cat or dog always finds to sleep in. An early morning glimpse of the sunrise when you can’t sleep because you are so cold it freezes your breathe and your home, the doorway, is so hard. A gap in the trees leaves revealing the sun on your face to dry the tears. The tinniest ray of light illuminating a dust mote floating across the room. Just breathe and find some light through the cloudiest thoughts and fog, or the physical pain, or the emotional heartache. It will be there.
As Body felt the pain and the bone chilling numbness at the same time, the movement of the moonlight was changing to reveal another slice of light on the pumphouse wall. Different cracks on the render were revealed for the eyes to follow and they led to memories that Brain took part in.
“Why would you do that?” she had said to Noswad.
“What?”
“Why would you mimic me? Why would you mimic anyone who is so upset that they are crying? when they are revealing their heart and baring their soul’s innermost fears to you? Why would anyone want to be that cruel?” And for the first time, she had seen bewilderment in his face like he hadn’t expected such a foreign question.
He was silent.
“Why would you be so deliberately cruel to someone you profess to love?” No response. He shifted in his seat and watched her cry with such distaste and….what was that…..pity?
Hindsight is like a really sharp knife with a rubber handle. Once the knife is plunged and the soft air filled handle is released, it makes a sound like a quacking laughing duck. It reopens the wound and mocks you at the same time. In hindsight, she knew he didn’t have an answer that could own up to what her eyes had seen on his face.
Her question had been to herself really, it had become a statement fractionally ahead of the expression which concluded the answer before the words had even been finished. He had revealed it and her heart did not want to feel it nor her eyes see it, and her brain mocked the emotion with its existing doubts.
“How do you think you appear to people when you do that? It makes you look bad! It damages you!” she had stated. It was honest and direct.
Silence. No answer. It wasn’t a question this time.
He got up to get another drink from the kitchen and as he returned, he sat down on the same bench and pulled her across the bench to him. Two people on one end of the bench nearly tipped it up but he put his feet down and moved along closer to her to prevent the accident. They laughed and it broke the ice as he hugged her close to him and kissed her. It allowed them to forget what had been said and changed the mood.
He showed her what he felt with touch by wiping away her tears and slowly dancing with her to the music. But she knew, she knew it would be the last time they would be together but she wasn’t sure how she knew. The damage was done and yet she hadn’t received and fully read the dismissal letter.
The following morning she heard a strangers voice say “No, I have made my decision, I will not wait for you any longer.” Body told her they came from her lips but she didn’t recognise her own voice. It was as if the decision had been made for her and been beyond her control.
She watched him go.
“It was for the best love” Nana reminded her “you made the right decision.”
“I don’t remember making it.” she said out loud to the pumphouse walls.
“You didn’t….I did” said the now familiar voice.
© 2024 Jennifer Harris. Free And Alive 555
