68 Dream within a Dream

The Little Red Haired Girl

In her dream Body reacted with tears and racking sobs, and curled up tightly around the Little Red Haired Girl who was sleeping peacefully despite the tears and the hard, cold, concrete Pumphouse floor.

Brain was watching the dream and tried to understand it but it was struggling. “What’s going on? Why is Body asleep yet crying? And this dream I cannot compute. The people in it are all mixed up from different times and places of her history. They are not in the correct order at all and there are strange alliances mixed up with remembered real conversations even though with the wrong people in the right places and visa versa. I cannot make head nor tale of it. There are some real facts, real people and real conversations but it’s like they have been put in a raffle ticket drum. You know the old fashioned type with a handle to turn it. It’s all in random order, the tickets, pieces of memory are all mixed up.”
“Who’s turning the handle?” called Spirit “they need to stop.”

“I can’t see who, just the hand turning it.”

“Poor Body” cried Heart “she has little enough energy as it is without such exhausting dreams. How can we help her? Can you interrupt it Brain?”
“She’s not responding to being woken up, I’ve tried. I even tried the loo synapses and that usually works, but she is not responding.”
“Do not shock her to wake her up. I’ve been told the shock can can trigger heart problems.” sighed Soul “as a child she had many strange paths she took in her sleep. Do not wake her.”

“You mean sleep walking” stated Brain.
“Yes especially at boarding school. She walked paths no one else knew of.”
“I can’t wake her anyway” said Brain “I am not in control of it. It bothers me. The heart beat is fast but not irregular or critical, and Bodies temperature seems O.K. considering where we are. The adrenal levels are normal so Body is not frightened, just these tears and sobs.”

“I think I know what the issue may be” called Spirit ” we spoke earlier about the possibility that Noswad and maybe friends and family had deliberately collaborated and worked against her either practically, financially and worst of all emotionally and spiritually. All of which makes my blood boil, and if it’s true I will fight them all for justice, but more importantly, we discussed how this would break Heart further, and I think that’s what is going on in her dream. Body is trying to recall who? how? what? where? and why? and it must hurt even though Body is brave and rethinking all the placements of people in her life. Are you not brave too Heart?”

“Yes you are right. I have so many questions that slice like a knife every time Brain, willingly or unwillingly, conscious or sub consciously asks them. I never even questioned whether any of these people knew each other. And if they did work together, the secret lives they would have had. The lies they must have had to tell. The plans they must have made all behind Body’s back. And if any of it is proven, what should Body and I do afterwards? How do I move on? Do I cut all these people out of our lives? All these people who have known my heart and my character all these years? Who will be there when I need help and support? How could my feelings and perception of all these people be so wrong? These people I loved. It makes me so so sad and worthless as an annoying piece of cellophane that sticks to your fingers however long one holds it over the bin.”

“I think technically that’s static electricity that makes that happen.”

“Shut up Brain!” Heart, Soul and Spirit called.

“Heart I fully understand your feelings” sighed Soul “but there will be a path, a way to move on from the pain. We just have to find it. We will forgive these people.”

“How can I? It makes me question my worth and my opinions of others. I cannot love anyone again if I feel worthless after all these betrayals and my own betraying behaviour too. Am I just disposable? Are my people disposable? All the extra work I and these people have caused Body? All the years of heartache? If I feel this in real time at the time, to feel it all again by revisiting it and knowing it was maybe deliberate on their part opens a healed and forgiven wound even further and deeper. All because I loved these people? and thought they loved me? All because I cared? And now, how can I forgive something I don’t know for certain?”

“No one is perfect” called Spirit “least of all us. But at least our good calling was there and is here. I cannot recall us setting out ‘deliberately’ wanting to cause people harm. We have caused our own betrayals, but usually through misfortune, truth, loneliness or when we have been in a lack mentality, but never ‘deliberately’ or in a’ Plan’ with others.”
“It’s playground bullying” stated Brain.

Heart went on. “If I continue with my feelings, into deeper territory, it makes me feel like I never even belonged to my family. It makes me feel like I have always been regarded as separate, or isolated. If I search myself, my innermost feelings, I have never felt loved or wanted, never good enough.”

“Now that’s Paranoia” stated Brain “you are looking too deeply and it’s not possible to have a truly objective, unbiased and factual recollection of your own early childhood. As we know from hearing the Little Red Haired Girl’s stories its all jumbled Fairy stories and snippets of what she can recall and I dare say imagined.”

“Memory recollection and facts I may agree with you Brain, but feelings?” Soul took a deep sigh. “If a child feels sad, or forgotten or lonely, these feelings cannot be denied. Feelings cannot be rationalised nor do I believe a young child could.”

“The little one certainly has a quite vivid memories, some of which made her brave and quite feisty like Nana, and she certainly remembers not to tell a lie and how it made her feel” called Spirit.
“What ‘Hot and fizzy’?” questioned Brain.
“Please forget the childlike delivery and vocabulary Brain. We all knew exactly what she meant by that and you really should be more forgiving” sighed Soul “Hot and Fizzy makes perfect sense to me of how her Body felt when she told a lie and that in itself is the child’s truth.”

“I don’t lie” the Little Red Haired Girl said as she sat up and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands.

“Oh you’re awake child, are you O.K.?” cried Heart.
“Yes I am but why is Body crying?”
“Because she’s dreaming” cried Heart ” and I think she needs a hug.”
“I can give her a hug but why is she crying? Is she hurt?”
“I think its because she feels sad and lonely.”
“Like being forgotten?”
“Similar.”

“Then she needs some dolls. Dolls are good when you feel sad. They always play with me and I make tea for them and change their clothes. Sometimes if I’m good Mummy lets me wash them in the bath and brush their hair.”
“Oh that’s nice. You loved your dolls”
“Yes, my brother didn’t, he wanted to play cars with his friends.”
“And what about your sister? Did she have some dolls?”
“No, she said they was for children and anyway she was always with Mummy and the baby too.”
“Oh and did you like the baby?”
“Yes, she was always Smiley.”

“That’s nice. It’s good to have a happy baby.”
“Yes Mummy said that too. Mummy loved her for it. That’s why my dolls are the bestest and the Fairies too, they always want to play with me. Shall I give Body a hug and keep her warm now?”

“Yes child, you do that we need to take care of her like your dolls.”
“I will” was the solemn response.