64 Table
Brain was assessing its conversation with Heart long into this endless dark night within the Pumphouse. Where was the sun? The morning? It never seemed to arrive and that in itself did not make sense. Without a manmade representation of time and the missing sun, Brain could not not assess what time it was was or how long they had been in here?
Brain decided that all of the recent past it had been thinking about there was an element of its thinking that was missing like a missing chess piece and its move. What was it? It was like knowing the answer, the result, without knowing the question. It ruminated on Hearts theory that maybe Friend and others had deliberately made the house renovation difficult. How Heart had felt it was especially the important and personal items/products/jobs that had been targeted. Maybe there is some truth in that, but there was absolutely no way of knowing for sure.
And then there was the question of why? Why would Friend/they do it? What possible gain could there have been? And who were ‘they’? Noswad was involved for sure, Brain had decided, and even if he hadn’t been directly involved with delaying the renovation, he had certainly distracted Body and Heart from the house. Perhaps to avoid her noticing what was going on within it by not being there to watch what was going on for herself. They had certainly spent time over several of his visits being off site, leaving the builder to it or leaving Friend in charge. So he could have done that deliberately if the three of them Noswad, Friend and Builder had coordinated their efforts. There were only so many places Body could be at one time.
Builder could have got away with using lesser quality cheaper products or missing out the proper steps like insulation before plaster board. Unseen, unnoticed or when it was too late to change it.
Stress from Noswad causing arguments about time constraints and finally leaving altogether, stress from the house renovation itself and the work involved, stress from all the extra and mounting financial costs meant that three of the four legs on the table were gone! Love life and partner, Job and success, and Money.
One leg left = Family, and where were they?
Yes, Body had moved away from Family creating a physical distance, by wanting to explore another and different life.
Yes, Body had been busy but had tried to keep in touch via the phone or Facetime.
Yes Body had informed her daughter about her decision to marry Noswad albeit later than she had intended but daughter knew of Noswad and their unstable relationship history. Body had known daughter and family would not be happy about her decision, or if that description was too strong Brain decided, they would at least be concerned about it.
Yes, she had visited family recently in the U.K. and specifically informed them of what was going on in her life, how Noswad had now left her yet again, her feelings and heartache about it and her dreams for the future, just to keep them close. But how had they truly responded? Brain would need to involve Heart in this conversation and at the moment could not face the crying so decided to just think and try and remember accurately what had been said. Some reactions had been surprising and not what Brain expected her family to say.
Brain recalled what Daughter had responded with “you knew he was no good.” Yep, granted and a fair point, Brain did.
“Move on and get over it because you are sounding revengeful, you don’t need to know if he married someone else or whatever he’s been up to or whomever else he’s been seeing. You are just being spiteful.” A surprising lack of empathy Brain thought.
“You should make a will. How would I ever have travelled to Portugal to sort out the mess if you die over there, especially had Noswad been in the house and living with you.” ‘Is it all about money? Is that all that’s important?’ Brain had wondered. “You’ve been selfish moving to Portugal anyway, I could never do what you have done and abandon my children.” Brain had not expected this response at all from daughter. “You’re 43!! Body is entitled to a life of her own Brain had thought and Body had said.”
There were lots of good words from her too and the family in general but Brain remembered the surprises, the most surprising reactions and the ones Brain thought out of character from Body’s family. Daughter was usually empathetic and kind, but then she had walked out, said it was “hopeless” and that for all she knew I could have “early onset dementia” just because Spirit used its intuition that something was wrong and Body had told her as much. Body had told her only daughter about strange dreams and premonitions that something was wrong not just with her and Noswad, but something was awry with the family and within her own home and its problematic renovations, how Body was feeling under some sort of attack, how worried she was. Heart had trusted her with this information and loved her dearly and now they were not speaking at all. Body and daughter were not speaking and Heart was broken more.
Brothers reaction when Body had told him of the argument with daughter and the demise of Noswad and her own relationship, had been strange too “You need to be careful, you will end up on your own.” was his response. Surprising Brain concluded, it almost sounded to Body like a threat.
Younger sister when talking with Body about Noswad had said “It was for the best”. Brain agreed with that statement and also that it was “good that I had seen my own worth and that I deserved better.” Brain agreed with that too. So what else had Brain been bothered about in this conversation with younger sister? What had been surprising? Oh yes, it recalled, on discussion about her new creative project, when she had seen what Body had been writing, painting and working on she had said she was “shocked they were so good.” Shocked? Had sister had so little faith in her abilities? Was that how she viewed her? She had gone on to say “Why do you have to write about your journey? What’s so special about you? You will be open to criticism are you prepared for that? especially if you use and bring that word ‘God’ into the debate?” Surprising Brain had decided and also a little intimidating Spirit might have said.
What was missing in Brains thinking? What was going on here?
Now the family leg on the table was cracking.
Put all of it together Brain and find the route. What did all these people, these events, these conversations mean? What did they have in common? It was as if Brain had to find a different way of seeing the picture.
Brain recalled in their current situation within this Pumphouse and Body doing the silhouette drawing on the dirty rendered wall with a piece of glass. It highlighted rather than drawing a mark like a pencil. It was reversed and Brain had to think differently to make the drawing make sense. For example the pupil of the eye, no one has white ones. so one has to imply the dark pupil of the eye by the light shining upon/within it, not the dark colouring a pencil would make. Brain would have to think differently about this whole situation. The surprises it was beginning to recall were like the highlighting glass cutting through the dirt rather than the mark left upon it. Brain decided that Heart and Spirit ‘s intuition may well have a point. That maybe these people worked together to affect every area of their life. All four legs including family. There may never be proof of it.
Heart was prepared to be brave, Spirit was prepared to fight. Was Brain prepared to be called ‘crazy’? Prepared to be called ‘Senile’ or ‘Paranoid’? And there was the answer. People wanted everyone to think she was ‘crazy’. A failure just like the last struggles with houses and building work. An emotional wreck after heartbreak. Incompetent with money, and less talented. Why? was the other question and Brain decided that it may never know the answer. It may as well give up now as there were no solid facts. God knows what the answer or even the right question would be!
“It will become clear” Big voice said.
“Oh don’t you start. I have no proof you even exist. And if you do or not, as sister said to me, you will land me in trouble from others.”
“Only if you let it” was the reply “You’ve just proved your own point Brain. As far as you are concerned sometimes there isn’t a definitive answer or a definitive question.” Big voice laughed and disappeared.
‘I resent Big voice when it does that,’ Brain thought to itself, ‘it’s so inconclusive.’
© 2025 Jennifer Harris. Free And Alive 555
