48 If

The Little Red Haired Girl

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48 If

With the child and Nana away (outside to play) and in the light of Hearts questions, Brain had peace and quiet to think within the Pumphouse, and in all fairness Heart was right. Even from Hearts point of view (albeit somewhat overemotional) there were elements that were not necessarily factual but Brain agreed did not make sense. If Noswad was to be believed (and Brain concluded it had to believe him for this hypothetical exercise to work) that he loved them it made no common sense for him to leave. When Noswad proposed marriage and commitment, which he did as Body could testify, why would he go through moving into the house with all his belongings and his brother only to leave three weeks later? Drive all that way from the UK to Portugal?

If Noswad’s plans with them about Visas and paperwork, were fully fashioned, sought after and actually provided, why would he go to all that trouble and effort just to leave?

If ‘they’ were such a horrible negative person to live with why did Heart believe it was genuine in the first place? Heart itself was genuine so surely it would not misperceive what Noswad had felt? Hmm…maybe but Brain would shelve that point for later but nevertheless, Heart had had the impression that Noswad was happy. So why would he create arguments over trivial unimportant matters? Blow them out of all proportion? Why would Heart detect such hatred and Body see it with her own eyes?

If Noswad was to be believed about his financial hardships, (and Brain only knew what the ears had been told) why would he go through all that extra financial expense? Only to leave, to give up so easily and quickly?
It was getting Brain frustrated, and for once it could understand Hearts dilemma.

“He took all the joy out of my life too” called Spirit.
“Really?”
“Yes, he had little digs and jokes at my expense which at the time made me uncomfortable. Made me feel uneasy and on edge.”
“How’s so?” asked Brain.
“I am not altogether sure” called Spirit “but gut instinct told me it wasn’t really a joke, he meant it, and it only seemed to happen when he thought I was happy and relaxed. As if to make me feel insecure and then call me insecure as a result. It put me on edge.”
“I am not understanding and I’m not sure you are either.”

“I’m not. You are right” called Spirit. “All I can tell you is it felt like Body was hearing the right comforting words most of the time, and Heart was believing them but I felt uneasy and on edge.”
“Can you find another way of saying it? I do not comprehend” asked Brain.

“Well by your own admittance you don’t ‘do’ maths do you? Let’s imagine you are totalling a column of numbers in your account book and try as you might, you cannot get them to add up to the same total every time.”
“With a calculator or the old fashioned way?”
“Either way it doesn’t matter” Spirit dismissed.
“Well why would you check them after the first time? Surely the first answer would be correct?” Brain replied.
“Yes it should be. But you know that you are no good with figures so what do you do?”
“Double check them of course” huffed Brain annoyed at getting called out on its own shortcomings.

“Ok so you double check them and get a different total figure. So you check them again and a different total figure and so on and so on. Till you can’t believe any of them are right. What next?” called Spirit.
“I would ascertain that Body was overtired and better try again tomorrow, or that I needed to use the calculator with more precision and stop Body being clumsy with buttons” announced Brain.

“Possibly. But I would suggest that the more nervous and frustrated you get the less you can do it. You either transpose the figures or see them backwards” called Spirit.
“Possible. A past accountant once told Body that. He said he could always find the mistake in the column I had made because the number was backwards, and I don’t know why that would be the case” Brain admitted.
“I rest my case” called Spirit ” I don’t know why I felt uneasy sometimes, even queasy with my gut reaction, but I did. Something wasn’t right with the way Noswad’s words added with to his actions. They did not match and the more I tried to make them match the more they grew further apart.”
“Give me an example please” Brain requested.

“We all have moods. Times of joy or peace, or just times when we are quietly happy or sad, we don’t have to be the life and soul of the party all of the time. It’s understood, no one is perfect. But there were times when Noswad was just not ‘there’ and that’s the only way I can describe it. Withdrawn, not present.”
“Perhaps just quiet” said Brain.
“Possibly true” called Spirit. “But if so, why would he get so angry just because I sensed a shift in the mood, Heart was concerned and got Body to ask lightly “you Ok?”
“I don’t know” admitted Brain “this ‘feelings’ concept is all pretty strange to me.”

“Guilt” sighed Soul.
“What guilt? Give me facts” demanded Brain.
” I don’t have any. I have no knowledge of his path” sighed Soul.
“Then don’t contribute to this conversation” Brain admonished.
“Whoa hold on Brain, give Soul a chance” called Spirit.
“Because he didn’t like what he saw in the mirror.”
“Stop talking in riddles Soul and explain demanded Brain.
“We held a mirror for him and he did not like what he saw in the reflection. He did not love himself and like what he saw compared to ‘us’.”
“Was he up to no good?” asked Brain “was he guilty, unfaithful, lying, thinking of another?”
“I don’t know for sure” sighed Soul “But we saw through him and it created a mirror, a reflection of himself he did not like. Hence the anger.”

“Well you are not talking any sense to me” huffed Brain “and this ‘mirror’ you are talking about where did that come from? And if we saw through him how come we don’t have any answers?”
“Whatever his path we will never know for sure and he certainly wasn’t brave enough to tell us about it, mature enough to discuss it, or strong enough to hide it completely from us. Whatever ‘it’ was” sighed Soul. “It is his journey not ours.”
“Then how does what you’re saying help us sort out this data, this quandary as to why he left?” Brain questioned further.
“It may not, but I confirm that Spirit was correct about its ‘gut feeling’ and intuition” Soul was tired and sighed some more.

“And the mirror? Where does that come from? It’s obviously not a literal, physical mirror.”
“It’s not Brain you are right. The mirror came from the shine and light in Body’s eyes and from Hearts concern for him. From Spirits intuition and gifts that something was awry with him. Heart had integrity and was prepared to be vulnerable for him, and it made him feel unworthy is all I can surmise. He did not like how it made him feel. He saw his reflection of all he wasn’t being at that moment in time” sighed Soul.

“And you?” Brain asked.

“Our path is one of recognising someone we have known in a past life. One that feels familiar and almost predictable. A past life that was left unresolved and perplexed. A past life with a wish to be resolved in this one being our hearts desire. Of knowing that this lifetime around we must learn the lesson.” Soul knew what was coming.

“You’re losing me now” Brain spluttered “and I am not going to believe any of that without facts.”
“That’s your choice” sighed Soul “but we are stuck in here till we learn our lesson from our past and our past lives. Noswad has to learn from his too. So we might as well settle in, it could be a long arduous path.”

“I just want him to come back” cried Heart.
“Like I said” sighed Soul “a lesson is to be learned once and for all, and it’s going to be a long path ahead.”

“Let go and let God sort it out” called Spirit.