204 Sleeping dogs

Searching for answers

204 Sleeping dogs

Body was feeling uncomfortable and restless. The recent revelation that had come out of her mouth and surprised them all was about the assumption to move house again, so soon.

Body walked around each room in the flat and assessed her possessions, what was important to keep or throw away? Again. What was part of her old life that she had dragged around for years but seemed obselete now like a dead weight? Things that reminded her of people that were no longer in her life nor were likely to be in the future as far as she could tell.

As she walked through the place from room to room, her eyes alighted on the box of photographs Body and the Little Red Haired Girl had sorted out one rainy winter afternoon. It had seemed like only yesterday yet the dates told her it was a year . A whole year had passed. Where had that time gone?
Body idly let her fingers run across the top of the photograph folders and pick one out at random, leaving the adjacent one vertical so she knew where to place it back in order. The photo’s were of a loving partner, a time and place that seemed to be part of someone else’s life not her own. Body decided it wasn’t anymore as her face became heated and the skin on her body cold. Strange that! How can ones body be two temperatures at once?
“Shame” Brain answered. “You know what you got up to.”
Body tried to dismiss it as her own ‘mind’ was showing differently on her skin.
Yes, there were good times and bad with that partner even though she knew she had really loved him. There had been lots of romantic times. Lots of hope for their future together but somehow, it had changed into sexual adventures and exploits Body now was remembering with shame. They were hazy memories difficult to catch clearly.
“Alchohol does that” Brain stated the obvious “but the shame of it you are being reminded of, seeing as it was your own physical lust and desire to experiment.”

“And theirs! We were consenting adults” Body flustered.
“But you knew it was wrong. You knew one person was being unfaithful to their partner.”
“Is that my responsibility?” Body questioned. “Where is the difference between my responsibility and theirs? Where does it begin or end?”
“That’s an inevitable question, but how is it making you feel physically?” Brain questioned.
“Ashamed” Body admitted.
“Then you have your answer” Brain was brutal and direct, and shut down to leave Body floundering in its own placement of physical and sexual adventure, and it’s past evidence, the ‘film’ of the adventure was to be destroyed, and she had been shown the deletion of it many years ago.
Brain huffed to itself silently ‘nothing can be deleted nowadays. It always has a digital footprint’. Brain kept this thought to itself. It was, this digital age, creating more and more access to information both good and bad. Where would the data revolution end? As far as Brain could tell it just made Policing the ‘bad guys’ even more difficult and access to it left opportunities for more scams and fraud that belied any trust.

Body used the time on her own to reflect upon her actions on the subject of sex and what it meant to her. For her, sex itself wasn’t the problem, only if there is little or none of it within a relationship. Too much of it seemed to be just as bad too! It becomes a problem when it’s just for the sake of and devoid of any emotions. It becomes a problem if infidelity, theirs or her own, is involved. It becomes a problem if it is lacking in affection and care. It becomes a problem when there is a physical distance between lovers. These were her own issues she realised, everyone was different.
In a loving relationship what creates these problems? Body tried to place her answers. Somewhere along the duration of any relationship one or other partner becomes distant, lonely, feels unloved as Heart would say, or just plain lustful either in abstinence or greed. It seemed to be a never ending cycle as old as time itself. Hell, even the bible (and she had only just started reading it) there was war, infidelity, incest, rape, deceit and murder. It was an eye opener and comparable to any modern day newspaper. There were hero’s and villain’s, Saints and sinners, and punishment and repentance. There were natural disasters in far off lands, all judged by either the writer themselves or God himself. Body decided that Brain needed more time to read more of the bible, but the bottom line seemed to be that everyone can make mistakes unknowingly or knowingly, make choices for themselves or for the betterment of most. Either way , Body placed the main theme and importance of it, so far as she had read, on Forgiveness, but that did not stop her feeling uncomfortable nor Brains questions.

“There is something else to consider seeing as you are thinking about sexual partners of the past” Spirit called. “It’s not just about the romance, the joy, and the love, or even just the physical lust and/or possibly the shame of it, but the fact that one’s energy can be stolen this way unless one is aware of it.”
Brain woke up. “Preposterous!” it countered.
“Really Brain, is that the only word in your vocabulary at the moment? It is true. Not only is one physically naked and vulnerable, but there is an energy exchange. If not aware or equal, it can be stolen and used without ones consent or even used against you if they are so inclined.”
“I’m not sure about that” Brain countered.
“Please yourself, but ask yourself why is it that sex is an important part and contributor to a lasting partnership? Ask yourself why after socialising with some people (irrespective of whether they are a sexual partner or not) one can feel drained and tired? Or strangely depleted just by a conversation? Think how much more energy you are giving away with a sexual partner?”
Brain knew this had been a well known and a frequently discussed topic in educated circles by experts concerning the importance (or not) of sex within a relationship, so remained quiet. Brain thought about the possibility of energy exchange between people and was prepared to keep an open mind. Energy after all was all around us whether seen or not.

“It’s an emotional closeness too” Heart cried “Sex. Is it not meant as an expression of deep love and commitment with an equal hope for a possible future together? Is not a way to express the love you feel for each other? Is it not more rewarding and pleasurable as such?”
“Hmm…” Brain countered well jaded from past experiences that had proved otherwise and which Body had tried to dismiss on occasion.
“It’s a chance for Soul connection” sighed Soul. “It’s an opportunity for a shared path and destiny, shared beliefs and moral codes. When true and equal, it can never be found just in physicality and if the union of two people is promised with marriage in front of Big voice, it is deemed sacred.”

“Now just a minute” Body interjected “it’s also fun! and are you suggesting that once committed, divorce should not ever be sought? Even if one’s life is being unduly harmed by the partnership? Or that children are suffering because of the ongoing arguments or practical chaos? Or that it is emotionally draining and unequally returned for one of them?”
“No, I am stating that honesty and intentions should be equally matched. And if they are right from the start, it is unlikely to cause harm to anyone. Choice and free will are a given, but one should at least be transparent to your partner about what is to be hoped for, what direction and morals one has and wants, to enable them to have a free and considered choice too!”
“Yes” Spirit called “but one also needs to be aware of the vulnerability you are placing yourself in physically, emotionally, and unbelievable as it may appear to you Brain, Spiritually too!”

“Well I’m not going through it again. It’s past. A past life I am never going into ever again, nor particularly want to in the future. I have taken all the joy and the pain, have fond memories and suffered my shame as well, and I know better now.” Body stood firm with the decision and put past and future cards firmly on the table.

“Unless they truly love us. I am not going to say ‘never again’ to being truly loved” Heart cried and Body succumbed and rolled its eyes to the heavens.

“Toughen up” Brain announced “have you not learned yet Heart?”
“Yes I have and I will not let my heart be hardened completely. I refuse to”
“Obviously” Spirit called and also admired.

“There is nothing wrong with having fun as consenting single adults” Body mused “It’s just not for me any more. If one decides to progress with a personal relationship it should be based on mutual trust and being honest up front.” Body exclaimed.
“What is one’s intention though?” called Spirit. “Do you intend to harm anyone? Deceive them? Can you be sure of the intentions and trust of the other person involved? Whether it be for fun or another more heartfelt goal? How does one not allow for feelings to grow or minds to be changed”
“Debatable. One can never be sure” Brain insisted.
“Then if in doubt, do nowt” Spirit quoted. “The risks are too great for emotional and Spiritual reasons.”

They paused, felt Body’s shame, thought it all through, connected Spirits intuition to past events, let Heart bleed some more, and asked Big voice for forgiveness of their past mistakes. They felt lighter. Finally a little distant voice asked “Was this talk for adults?” the Little Red Haired Girl asked as she joined them.
“Yes” Body coloured further facing the child.
“Does it matter?” she asked innocently as Heart shattered into further pieces and fell to the floor.
“Yes unfortunately I think it does. I have to live with it and it makes me feel ill and full of sorrow and regret” Body acknowledged to itself after all these years.
“You cannot tell me about it can you?” the child confirmed Body’s own censorship of itself.
“No child I cannot. It is not for your ears.”
“Then why is it here?”
“What child?”
“The memory. Why is it here?” the child asked.

“It’s likely because it is going to come back and bite me at some point in the future. We are being warned” Body answered and Spirit confirmed.
“Grandad always said to let sleeping dogs lie”
Spirit laughed out loud. “Yes child, dogs lie down to sleep, and more accurately people lie, and if they can’t lie to your face, they will bite at the disturbance and shock of being woken or try revenge tactics to discredit another’s reputation.”
“Then don’t touch them, leave them alone” the child stated.
Body sat and ruminated.

“Leave me out of this once and for all. It’s your own fault” Brain admonished.
“That’s not very nice Brain” the Little Red Haired Girl pointed out “you should be trying to think of ways to help instead.”
“We talk to Big voice, ask for forgiveness and forgive others. For nobody is ever perfect and everybody makes mistakes for themselves. To learn from hopefully” Soul sighed.

“Like learning to make pastry?”
“Similar” Body tried to simplify for her.
“Like learning to be quiet when Mummy tells me to?”
“If we must” Spirit called.
“Like learning times tables at school?”
“Not really” Brain answered “but having to recite them on a chair in front of your classmates, yes, that shame is very similar.”
“Makes you feel fizzy and hot like I did at school?”
“Yes” Body agreed. “I feel like I’m standing on a chair for all to see.”
“Then I’m glad it’s over, coz we don’t need to do that again” the child stated. “We know better now even if we don’t know the numbers.”

“No one ever knows the numbers child” Big voice stated. “But we can learn about the chair and the foundation it stands upon. Continue to talk to me and learn to forgive yourself first otherwise how else can you expect to forgive others.”